Sensei’s Journal Entry # 10: Wednesday’s Secret

“Just let me fight my secret war.”

— inspired by a lyric from Concrete Blonde’s “Joey”

All wars cost. Death, maiming, destruction, mental anguish & despair. Internal wars are not excluded. Pain, aches, fatigue, uncertainty, survival. War is declared, “One country has invaded another,” “X-country has declared war on Y-country. Internal war is silent, it creeps on caterpillar feet.* No one knows, save for the person fighting it.

A laundry list of mental sludge oozes through the mind’s soul. Festering bubbles of memory pulsate and dare you to prick them with mind allowing their stink to vent. Toxic ooze bubble by to drown the mind-soul. Secret, silent War has been declared. Weapons deployed to fend off the attack. The first salvo of Katannabis fired. 

These were my thoughts, presented (without further clarification) after a particularly satisfying, rare, morning Katannabis session Wednesday May 5th, the first rain day cancellation of work in five weeks of six workdays a week. Five days off and thirty five days of work. Fatigue, fortitude, perseverance. A streak broken. The text message received at 6:11 that morning, announcing work was cancelled was the traditional:

“Game called today on account of rain, I will see you tomorrow at the usual time.”

A day off from physical aches and pains and mental fatigue. But the war still rages. Battles to encounter before I sleep. Rain, don’t think of enjoying the day, having fun. Think rather of what to do today to make surviving tomorrow easier.

To secret wars,

Sensei John Szmitkowski

* inspired by a poem by Dennis Rhodes,  “. . . the tide creeps in on caterpillar feet, silent and complete.”

** the poem is the photo is an abbreviated version for my Instagram, the full poem by Emil Cioran (which I found on the “Poetic Outlaws” Facebook page) is: “ I have always lived with the awareness of the impossibility of living. And what has made existence endurable to me is my curiosity as to how I would get from one minute, one day, one year to the next.”

FREE help in your secret war:

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